Elderspeak: a form of infantalized communication used by caregivers when speaking to seniors. Examples: “How’s my little sweetie?” and “Let’s just take your temperature now, dearie.”

If you’re a caregiver, you’re probably guilty of this at some point. I didn’t even know it was a “thing” until long after Nanny was gone. Many seniors, even those with Alzheimer’s that have difficulties communicating and understanding, react poorly, sometimes violently, to elderspeak. It’s similar to how adults speak to very young children. To many seniors, elderspeak implies the senior is incompetent, of limited understanding, and in a powerless position.

My philosophy of delivering care for the elderly revolves around the concept that caring for the elderly is very much like caring for an oversized, opinionated toddler. (I also am of the unpopular opinion that raising children is very much like training dogs.) I still believe this. So at first, I scoffed at the concept that elderspeak is disrespectful. Sometimes elderspeak is regional (if you live in the South, you are going to get called “sweetie” or “honey.” Age is not relevant.) Sometimes it’s just a way to confront having to say something difficult (it’s a lot easier to say “We’re going to the doctor and then we’ll go for ice cream!” in a sing-song voice than to say, “I’m taking you to the doctor to get your blood drawn for the third time this week.”) I felt that sometimes, allowances have to be made for the caregiver. It’s a tough job, and occasionally you just have to make it easier on yourself.

But whether a statement is disrespectful relies not on the opinion of the speaker, but on how that statement makes the recipient feel, regardless of intent. And the facts don’t lie – many seniors really hate elderspeak, especially when it’s delivered by someone they don’t know very well, like a CNA in a nursing home. It reduces them to this moment in time when they are feebler and less competent, and disregards all their previous life and accomplishments when people would not speak to them that way.

Still, I understand the urge. Following are real conversations with Nanny where I probably employed elderspeak since she was, in fact, behaving like an overgrown toddler:

Exhibit A: On the Popularity of Broccoli

Nanny: What is this?

Me: It’s broccoli casserole.

Nanny: I don’t like broccoli.

Me: What are you talking about? I made broccoli three days ago and you ate the whole thing.

Nanny: That’s because I liked broccoli three days ago. Today I don’t like broccoli.

Exhibit B: On Using the Proper Utensils

Nanny: Why are you giving me this fork?

Me: So you can eat your lunch.

Nanny: I don’t use a fork. I only eat with spoons.

[After a week of eating every meal with only a spoon, and berating anyone fool enough to hand her a fork]

Nanny: What is this?

Me: It’s your spoon.

Nanny: Do you eat your steak with a spoon?

Exhibit C: On the Importance of the Proper Cup Color (my apologies to Starbucks)

Nanny: Warm water goes in my pink cup. Cold water goes in my blue cup. This is my blue cup. Why is the water warm?

Me: Because the water was cold when I put it in the blue cup and now it has reached room temperature.

Nanny: You  must think I’m some kind of idiot. You mixed the cups up again.

Man, I miss my little snookums.